I’ve been keeping a close eye on your posts lately and felt I had to say something, just so you know that it’s not like no one cares, like these morbid thoughts you have fall completely unto deaf ears. There’s little I (or anyone, as you said yourself) can do about them as long as no lives are directly at risk, but what’s always kept me from going forward with such ideas is I imagine it’d feed horribly anticlimactic once you cross that line. Nothing, especially the internal craving won’t have changed, you’ll see that the wheel of the world still keeps on whirling. It’ll just now go on without you (once the karma of your actions hits you), and no matter how much damage you do, you are still bound for oblivion just like everyone else.
Is there anything you include in these thoughts about what you’d want it to look like, how you’d want people to react, a message of some kind? Is it the ”I’m smarter than you” or is that just a bonus?
Did you find out the exact PD they suspected, or is that what you’re now trying to uncover from the files?
Unrelated to this, did you lock down your other blog? It tells me I’m not invited. It’s okay if that’s what you intended, just thought I’d ask in case it’s not.
Oh, and Amsterdam rocks. Hope you get to go there.
The image of you consoling your mother is strangely contradictory with the feelings you describe about your family. Is the purpose of doing so to prevent something even more catastrophic from happening, or do you still care enough about how your mother feels to want to make her feel better? I mean, with all the anger and resentment that you describe feeling towards them, I’d expect *you* to be the one leaving them to deal with it by themselves. What keeps you from doing so?
> someone had the idea to make this the
> “Stonehenge of Kouvola” by bringing here
> the old press rolls of the paper factory.
Sounds like the kind of idea the artsy fartsy people up in Northeastern Lapland regularly have, to ’boost’ the attractiveness of their local municipality.
You have an eye for color.
That’s funny, I just turned 32 myself the day before yesterday, so we’re only a couple of months apart in age. :)
Thanks for the compliments. I do strive for clarity, but what I write often gets too complicated in both structure and expressions. Then I have to edit it down to smaller pieces for it to be comprehensible even for myself.
Based on what I know of the Finnish incidents (which is not much, I admit) there is a pointed difference in you compared with them: you’re very much aware of all this and of the consequences it might or may at some point have, and despite being ignored by (IRL?) people you’re still making it known not only in circles that only approve of and encourage those disastrous consequences. I’m not sure of your age, but your awereness could be due to the fact that you’ve not had the opportunity to act your fantazies out as early as Saari and Auvinen did, which has given you time to work things out more. So you have no need for a half-assed übermensch philosophy to support how you feel; instead you know you’re a murderer in the making, produced by the society and by the evil of your juvenile peers.
(Not sure if I had a point in there somewhere. Just stream of consciousness I guess, thoughts brought on by what you wrote.)
No need to apologize my friend. :)
Even though I indeed can’t see a thing anyone could do for or against these things in my head. Nothing can change what I feel.
The only thing I’m suggesting you talk about these things for is the possibility of you gaining more insight into yourself — definitely not for any attempt to change what you are. Deeper self-knowledge, I believe, is very seldom harmful and many times even beneficial for the person in question. Through experience I’ve come to believe that knowledge of ourselves, though originating from ourselves, often depends on another person acting as a proxy, a sort of midwife for such knowledge to be able to be born. There’s nothing new they can tell you about you, let alone tell you what or how you should be, in the end all such things must come from within yourself.
Thanks for patiently replying to my incessant explorations. To me you don’t sound insane, but depending on semantics, maybe that’s what you want to sound like, in which case it’s not for me to deny from you.