Wow, that is seriously twisted. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you see things as you do, about her being the failure that she was; you could have been brainwashed to actually believe how she’d have you believe, that it was somehow your fault and not all hers. Then again you probably wouldn’t have survived, and the fact that you have goes to prove that you really are strong as you say.

I think one explanation for the perceived change in your mother’s behavior might be that children start out quite flexible and unquestioning towards their parents, and only gradually start developing their own will and identity. It could be she never was any good in raising up a real person, so you only came in full contact with her deficiency as a parent once you began to manifest personality. When you are very small, you more readily accept anything a parent may force on you no matter how wrong it actually is. It’s only later that you begin to have a sense of entitlement and are more likely to pursue what you feel is right for you, which sets you on a collision course with the parent that can’t deal with a child that is a real person and not just a dummy.

I’d love to, if only a) I knew how to bake bread b) I didn’t suck at baking in general and c) had the time.

Is it different from rye bread root?

You make your own bread? That’s so cool!

Agreeing with ^onwindydays there, the sunset picture is beautiful!

I used to watch Conan back when I used to watch television, but then I tired with the show as with the rest of what’s on. I’m now rediscovering Conan thanks to his online presence. I still wouldn’t watch entire shows, just happy to have the sketch bits on YouTube. Never cared much for interviews in any show, not even with Conan being funny as he can be.

I’m feeling unimaginative so I’ll cheat and just answer those here without posting new ones.

1. My island would probably be Greenland, so ”between the Arctic and Atlantic Oceans”.
2. Not doing anything currently but will be learning and doing programming about a week from now.
3. Nope.
4. Nope.
5. Some code for my blog. If programming doesn’t count… must’ve been the amplifier we built back in uni. Didn’t do it all by myself, we did it in teams.
6. I never sleep with the light on, but have to tolerate blue from LEDs from my cell phone charger and sometimes my computer (if I leave it on). It’s kinda nerdy so maybe I’d go with it.
7. Amsterdam.
8. In the forest, on its roots, with natural snow on it.
9. I know the parts I’ve explored pretty well, but there are lots of places I still haven’t here.
10. I like to code. (We’ll see how this answer holds up once it becomes a job.)
11. I would’ve wished for my parents to be able to resolve the problems between them.

Again, thanks for the effort you put into your answers. After leaving the previous comments I felt slightly worried whether I’m too eager to dish out my kitchen psychology. These are deeply personal issues for you and for me to label you as this or that based on the little I (really) know about you is just my typical self-centeredness: I tend to get too fascinated with my own mental constructs to take into account that people I involve in them might not be as enthusiastic about them.

(Thanks for the video link btw, haven’t had time to properly watch it yet but I will.)

Yeah, AP’s a tough read to say the least. :) Still, I’ve plowed through it (at least) twice already and just today began reading it again. Then again I’m always into stuff that most people would just find mind-numbingly boring.

(Then again, I could be completely wrong about your motives, and you could be just after some cheap kicks after all, but I only have what you’ve written as basis and I don’t think you’ve ever hinted of being just after something as petty as sexual satisfaction.)

Thanks for taking the time to answer my comments.

I think a big (though not big enough to be first-time-preventive) difference between you and psychopathic killers is that you’re not superficially motivated. A psychopath has no trouble hurting people in order to gain something relatively trivial — typically grotesque is the seek of sexual gratification.

You’re more of the ”I believe an antisocial act will have a cleansing effect on my soul” type that, upon acting out, either gains the spiritual emancipation they’re after, or realize they’ve just been pursuing a flare. The reason I think so is all this introspection you demonstrate here. I can’t picture you, after committing a bloody act, sitting there, thinking ”well that didn’t do much, maybe I just didn’t do it good enough, big enough?” You’d more likely have your answer there, and wouldn’t have to keep on repeating the act, banging your head against the wall so to speak (as thrill-seeking psychopath would). You’d have made your statement and either it makes an effect on others or it doesn’t. Either way, it’d be out of your hands by then, no use doing it over and over again.

I understand and empathize with what you aspire, the sort of proof of existence such an extreme act suggests. What worries me and, as I wrote, has had me stop short of executing such ideas is the ’suggests’ part: there’s no guarantee that even those acts would bring catharsis. In fact, I believe there are strong hints towards the opposite. (This, incidentally, is why I love American Psycho so much: it describes precisely how apathy is all the world has in store for us, even if we embark on the most extreme of acts.)