That’s funny, I just turned 32 myself the day before yesterday, so we’re only a couple of months apart in age. :)
Thanks for the compliments. I do strive for clarity, but what I write often gets too complicated in both structure and expressions. Then I have to edit it down to smaller pieces for it to be comprehensible even for myself.
Based on what I know of the Finnish incidents (which is not much, I admit) there is a pointed difference in you compared with them: you’re very much aware of all this and of the consequences it might or may at some point have, and despite being ignored by (IRL?) people you’re still making it known not only in circles that only approve of and encourage those disastrous consequences. I’m not sure of your age, but your awereness could be due to the fact that you’ve not had the opportunity to act your fantazies out as early as Saari and Auvinen did, which has given you time to work things out more. So you have no need for a half-assed übermensch philosophy to support how you feel; instead you know you’re a murderer in the making, produced by the society and by the evil of your juvenile peers.
(Not sure if I had a point in there somewhere. Just stream of consciousness I guess, thoughts brought on by what you wrote.)
Despite the painful side of what you describe it makes me happy to know you still do have this side in you, the side that can feel or even fall for another person. And to reveal this side just as you do with your usual tougher, protective self, is extremely brave. You’re sharing such intimate things in your blogs it’s no wonder there’s a lurking fear of someone abusing the trust you place in your readers (as manifested by your nightmare).
Olet näköjään messengerissä. Jos haluat, minut saa lisätä: uusijani@hotmail.com. (Enkä pahastu, jos et halua.) Tosin en ole aikoihin lisännyt uusia kontakteja, joten en tiedä toimiiko se nykyisessä Bitlbee-pohjaisessa viritelmässäni.
Mulla jomotti viikonloppuna oikeaa kättä, ja ihmettelin että mihin olen sen oikein kolhinut, kunnes tajusin, että se johtui viimeviikkoisesta stressipallon puristelusta. Huvitti huomata, että terveyspallo osoittautui sillä lailla terveydelle haitalliseksi.
Sori kun en ole kommentoinut vähään aikaan, on muka ollut kovasti kiireitä.
Onko erittelemättömyydessä kyse pelkästään vaivannäön säästämisestä, vai onko mukana myös nolottavien levyjen mainitsemisen välttämistä?
Mitä jos sanoisit nämä ajatuksesi siellä niille infoajille?
Tiedän, tiedän, ihan hyödytöntähän se tietysti olisi. Eikä minusta ainakaan olisi sellaiseen. Tai en itse asiassa tiedä. Nykyisin saattaisi jopa ollakin.
Mutta justiin tuommoistahan se aina on. Iso osa ammattikorkean opinnoistakin (siis muka ihan oikeista opinnoista) oli tuollaista, tyhjänpäiväistä ja tehotonta käytännön asioiden selvittelyä (olevinaan), minkä olisi varsin hyvin voinut korvata parin sähköpostiviestin lähettämisellä.
No need to apologize my friend. :)
Even though I indeed can’t see a thing anyone could do for or against these things in my head. Nothing can change what I feel.
The only thing I’m suggesting you talk about these things for is the possibility of you gaining more insight into yourself — definitely not for any attempt to change what you are. Deeper self-knowledge, I believe, is very seldom harmful and many times even beneficial for the person in question. Through experience I’ve come to believe that knowledge of ourselves, though originating from ourselves, often depends on another person acting as a proxy, a sort of midwife for such knowledge to be able to be born. There’s nothing new they can tell you about you, let alone tell you what or how you should be, in the end all such things must come from within yourself.
Thanks for patiently replying to my incessant explorations. To me you don’t sound insane, but depending on semantics, maybe that’s what you want to sound like, in which case it’s not for me to deny from you.