(Lue sama suo­mek­si.) #

My emo­tions on this mat­ter cur­rent­ly are a bizar­re mix­tu­re of kaf­kaesque and dos­to­jevs­kian, which is a sti­mu­la­ting, yet unwelco­me chan­ge from my nor­mal, day-to-day mix­tu­re of depres­sion and numb­ness. When I got the first e-mail infor­ming me of the situa­tion, the­re was an immen­se rush of adre­na­lin, natu­ral­ly fol­lowing the para­noid sen­se of sud­den­ly being threa­te­ned. I am still hap­py of having got the infor­ma­tion via e-mail, though, since who knows how bad­ly I might have panic­ked and done and said somet­hing comple­te­ly stu­pid and unhel­ping for my case, had I been told this over the pho­ne by the police­man. #

Ini­tial­ly, still a litt­le mixed up, I felt as if my life was about to chan­ge for good; I used to be clean, but from hereon I would be a cri­mi­nal, bran­ded as an out­si­der of socie­ty and a loser for life. You’­ve been naugh­ty, you’­ve been bad! Then, as I began going through web­pa­ges for fin­ding attor­neys and the pos­sible legal rea­sons for the police­man’s demands, a litt­le sen­se began to creep back in to my head; so may­be I’d fuc­ked up, what would be the worst thing that could hap­pen? I couldn’t belie­ve I could go to jail, even though that too is the­re­tical­ly enti­re­ly pos­sible, accor­ding to cur­rent Fin­nish legis­la­tion. I’d pro­bably be fined ins­tead. It was a relie­ving thought, since, well, it is just money, not like all my rights and indi­vi­dua­li­ty would be strip­ped from me and I’d have to live behind walls and bars. #

I had to go shop­ping, not for anyt­hing, real­ly, but just to see what it would be like to be among other people, now that I was a poten­tial cri­mi­nal. Would they see it? Would they be able to tell from my face, from my clot­hing that this man is now under inves­ti­ga­tion by the police, this man is not like us, who are clean and law-abi­ding citizens, pro­per mem­bers of socie­ty? You can’t help being para­noid in a situa­tion like this; you keep loo­king at people, trying to see if they recog­nize you, if they’­re thin­king they should say somet­hing to me, to sup­port me or to mock me, may­be even attack me for I had bro­ken their rules. (Note that alt­hough I am depres­sed, I’m not para­noid in any cli­nical way.) #

I’ve since been overw­hel­med by people’s reac­tions after having pos­ted about this seve­ral times; I’ve tried not to beg for for­gi­vance of my sin, my cri­me — see how you begin to feel that way alrea­dy when only being inves­ti­ga­ted for somet­hing, which someo­ne else, who’s tech­nical­ly only equal to you, not abo­ve you, has said you’­ve done — I’ve only tried to make the best of the situa­tion and tell people about it, since I know it’s inte­res­ting (I would be deeply inte­res­ted about this, even if I wasn’t the one being inves­ti­ga­ted), and also, since very quickly after pos­ting the police­man’s e-mails, it began to seem that I wasn’t alo­ne in my asto­nish­ment over his demands for remo­ving mate­rial from my site. #

Even if the officer in ques­tion has made a mis­ta­ke, that doesn’t nul­li­fy the enti­re case against me, of cour­se. It’s just anot­her inte­res­ting and impor­tant from the free­dom-of-speech point of view twist in this who­le busi­ness. I’m hoping people won’t mix the­se in their minds, since they only might set them­sel­ves up for a disap­point­ment that way. I’m hoping I won’t mix the­se in my mind. I’m not saying I think I’ll be found guil­ty, since cur­rent­ly I have no idea what they (the police) will think or do about my doings. I just know that as long as this thing drags on, I’ll pro­bably keep fee­ling para­noid, filt­hy and distrust­ful among people. But hey, that’s just me. #