The Possessed
#1011. Perjantai, 25. helmikuuta 2005 klo 11.20.56, kirjoittanut Jani. 4
(Lue sama suomeksi.) #
My emotions on this matter currently are a bizarre mixture of kafkaesque and dostojevskian, which is a stimulating, yet unwelcome change from my normal, day-to-day mixture of depression and numbness. When I got the first e-mail informing me of the situation, there was an immense rush of adrenalin, naturally following the paranoid sense of suddenly being threatened. I am still happy of having got the information via e-mail, though, since who knows how badly I might have panicked and done and said something completely stupid and unhelping for my case, had I been told this over the phone by the policeman. #
Initially, still a little mixed up, I felt as if my life was about to change for good; I used to be clean, but from hereon I would be a criminal, branded as an outsider of society and a loser for life. You’ve been naughty, you’ve been bad! Then, as I began going through webpages for finding attorneys and the possible legal reasons for the policeman’s demands, a little sense began to creep back in to my head; so maybe I’d fucked up, what would be the worst thing that could happen? I couldn’t believe I could go to jail, even though that too is theretically entirely possible, according to current Finnish legislation. I’d probably be fined instead. It was a relieving thought, since, well, it is just money, not like all my rights and individuality would be stripped from me and I’d have to live behind walls and bars. #
I had to go shopping, not for anything, really, but just to see what it would be like to be among other people, now that I was a potential criminal. Would they see it? Would they be able to tell from my face, from my clothing that this man is now under investigation by the police, this man is not like us, who are clean and law-abiding citizens, proper members of society? You can’t help being paranoid in a situation like this; you keep looking at people, trying to see if they recognize you, if they’re thinking they should say something to me, to support me or to mock me, maybe even attack me for I had broken their rules. (Note that although I am depressed, I’m not paranoid in any clinical way.) #
I’ve since been overwhelmed by people’s reactions after having posted about this several times; I’ve tried not to beg for forgivance of my sin, my crime — see how you begin to feel that way already when only being investigated for something, which someone else, who’s technically only equal to you, not above you, has said you’ve done — I’ve only tried to make the best of the situation and tell people about it, since I know it’s interesting (I would be deeply interested about this, even if I wasn’t the one being investigated), and also, since very quickly after posting the policeman’s e-mails, it began to seem that I wasn’t alone in my astonishment over his demands for removing material from my site. #
Even if the officer in question has made a mistake, that doesn’t nullify the entire case against me, of course. It’s just another interesting and important from the freedom-of-speech point of view twist in this whole business. I’m hoping people won’t mix these in their minds, since they only might set themselves up for a disappointment that way. I’m hoping I won’t mix these in my mind. I’m not saying I think I’ll be found guilty, since currently I have no idea what they (the police) will think or do about my doings. I just know that as long as this thing drags on, I’ll probably keep feeling paranoid, filthy and distrustful among people. But hey, that’s just me. #